


Never Get the Sorting Hat Mad at You

by elvirakitties



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Hogwarts House Sorting, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Fluff and Humor, Other, The Sorting Hat is in a bad mood
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-10
Updated: 2017-07-10
Packaged: 2018-11-30 11:58:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,488
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11463123
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elvirakitties/pseuds/elvirakitties
Summary: Dumbledore really upset the sorting hat.





	Never Get the Sorting Hat Mad at You

"You need to make sure he is in Gryffindor." Dumbledore reminded the Sorting Hat.

"He will go where he fits best." The Sorting Hat snapped.

"Do it or I will burn you." Dumbledore stormed out of his office, heading to the Welcoming Feast.

"Try it you old fart. I have been around before your great-grandparents even had thought about having children." The Sorting Hat started a long rant about the old man who dressed in funny colors that should layoff of lemon drops. 

Fawkes being the wise bird that he was, not really the bird was a bit of a joker, trilled. "Put them where he would least expect them, you old dust cloth."

The Sorting Hat's brim (his mouth) closed as he looked at the feather duster. "Fix his lemon drops, Feather Duster."

"Don't I always. All these years and he still hasn't realized it." Fawkes flew to the desk. Thankful that no one ever took a lemon drop from the old fool.

____________________________________________________________________

The Sorting Hat waited for his chance to speak. No song was being sung this year. "Get on with it, Furball."

Professor McGonagall and the rest of the staff weren't sure how to respond. Professor McGonagall opened her scroll and began:

"Abbott, Hannah." They watched the girl walk up to the three-legged stool.

"Well?" The Sorting Hat asked.

"What?"

"Kids, great. What do you want out of Hogwarts?"

"I was told I would learn magic. I want to become a doctor."

"Forget that too much blood and you don't like blood. Get a cat, become a Cat Lady, get the old furball here to teach you Transfiguration and take her place." The Sorting Hat yelled out: "Gryffindor, get her a cat. Furball, teach her to become one." 

"Bones, Susan."

"Great, another one. Well, I am not putting you in Hufflepuff. Let's see, you have plenty of friends." The Sorting yelled: "Slytherin. If her aunt complains remind her that I wanted her in Slytherin too, pushy woman."

The staff and students listened in shock as the Sorting Hat continued down the list. 

"Crabbe, Vincent." 

One of the two moving bookends walked up to the stool. "What do you want?"

"Slytherin, need to protect the blond kid. He help me pass."

"You need a brain." The Sorting Hat sighed. "Ravenclaw. Filius, get him some books. The kid is an idiot."

"Finch-Fletchley, Justin." 

"What do you want?"

"I want you to put me where I belong. After all, I did turn down an Eton education for this second-rate school. My family is related to the Hufflepuffs and I-"

"Shut up. You are about related to Helga as Snape is, which he isn't." The Sorting Hat snapped. "This one is a real prize. Gryffindor, maybe they can teach him to shut up. Though I doubt any house will be able to control his ego."

"I never." Justin Finch-Fletchley stated.

"That is the problem no one ever shut you up, you blowhard. Someone pop this kid's ego balloon."

"Go and sit down, Mr. Finch-Fletchley." Professor McGonagall looked at Dumbledore, wondering if they should continue on with the sorting. "Finnigan, Seamus." 

"What do you want from Hogwarts?"

"A spell to turn water into rum. So I can get rich as a brewer." 

"It's in the Library, 4th second, 3rd shelf from the bottom, the book is called "Get A Life." Brewer, waste of magical talent." The Sorting Hat shouted: "Gryffindor, they like to party. He will fit right in."

"Goyle, Gregory."

"What do, never mind, another Crabbe." The Sorting Hat mumbled. "Another one for you Filius. He and Crabbe are going to need a lot of tutoring. You Claws have your work cut out."

"Granger, Hermione." 

"What do you want?"

"I want to learn everything that I can. I know there must be a huge library and I want to be able to spend all my time in there. Professor McGonagall said that if I did really well that I could be whatever I wanted. I didn't even know I was a witch. I want to stay at the top of my class and have all of the professors teach me everything so that I can fix this world. I have already read all of my books including Hogwarts: A History. The book said that you would sign a song and then decide on where we go. I have never seen-

"SHUT UP!!!!!" The Sorting Hat yelled out. "Severus, she is yours. Good luck, you are going to need it. A warning Little Ms. Know-It-All. He won't put up with your hand waving, always right attitude, neither will anyone else.

Severus Snape closed his eyes as he pinched the bridge of his nose. He wondered what Dumbledore had done to get the Hat so pissed. He opened his eyes and glanced at the man who was watching someone. He followed the glaze. Potter. So that is what was going on. Well, this was going to be interesting.

"Longbottom, Neville." 

"What do you want?"

"Hufflepuff, please. I am really just glad I am here. My grandmother thought I was a squib." The Sorting Hat didn't reply for a few minutes. "I'm sorry."

"You didn't do anything. Listen well, avoid Dumbledore. He has plans for you and Potter for some reason that I can't explain to you. First, you are powerful. Second, get Pomona to take you to Gringotts. Third, act like the timid idiot they believe you to be until you get control. Fourth, you can and will do it. Now, let's see. Yes, I think the puffs are the best but you need to make friends with the following people." Everyone waited. The Sorting Hat was speaking to Longbottom and they could see the boy was agreeing. "Hufflepuff." 

"Malfoy, Draco."

"What do you want?" 

"Slytherin. After all, my family has been in Slytherin for centuries. My father says that I-"

"Shut up you wanna be Lucius. Your family is full of Gryffindors, Ravenclaws, and Hufflepuffs. Just because your parents were in Slytherin doesn't mean it was centuries."

"I want Slytherin." 

"How does it feel to want?" The Sorting Hat replied. "Hufflepuff."

No one spoke for a few seconds. "Nott, Theodore."

"What do you want?"

"Not to be like my father." 

"Smart." The Sorting Hat replied. "Well, kid, you're not. You're not your grandfather either. That man was a first-rate idiot and ass." Theodore Nott laughed. "Ravenclaw. Filius, finally someone with intelligence out of this bunch."

"Parkinson, Pansy." 

"What do you want?"

"To be Lady Malfoy." 

"Save me from the idiots. How do they even make it to Hogwarts?" The Sorting Hat asked out loud. "Well, who wants her? She has nothing to offer any house."

"Hat." Dumbledore growled.

"Fine. A new house, Dumbledore House for idiots. The following people will join it-"

"HAT!" 

"What? You always wanted your own house now you have it." 

The Staff and students were actually enjoying this after they got over the shock. "HAT! Put her in the correct house." 

"Fine, I still stand by what I said. So who wants to lose the House Cup this year as she will certainly set you back? Nevermind, Pomona is properly the only one with patience to deal with her. Hufflepuff."

"Patil, Padma." Professor McGonagall continued when Dumbledore indicated to continue. She really hoped they could get a resort when the Sorting Hat was in a better mood or better yet, keep the Hat away from Dumbledore, permanently.

"Potter, Harry." 

Harry slowly walked up to the stool. He was trying to ignore all the chattering. 

"Well, well, Mr. Potter." 

"Hi."

"What do you want?"

"I'm not even sure I should be here. They said-"

"Yes, yes, I can see what your relatives have done. However, a few things first. Stay away from Dumbledore. He is the one who is trying to make you go into Gryffindor. He is the one who put you there knowing you weren't to be there."

"He did?" 

"Yes. Now, I have a few more things to inform you of before I sort you." Again, everyone watched as the Hat and the boy talked. When fifteen minutes passed and they were still talking, Severus wondered what was going on. He had seen how small the boy was, the baggy clothes, he also noticed a few other things that didn't fit the image Dumbledore had tried to shove on him about Lily's son. Finally the Hat shout: "Slytherin. Severus take him shopping."

"Weasley, Ronald." 

"What do you want?"

"I want to be friends with Harry but I can't be with those slimy snakes. They are going to ruin him. He is to be my friend."

"Hufflepuff. You need to learn what friendship is." The Sorting Hat shouted out. "Jealous git" was muttered as an afterthought. 

"Zabini, Blaise." McGonagall was so thankful this was the last one.

"Well, what do you want?"

"To survive Hogwarts."

"Excellent answer. After all, Dumbledore is here."

"Exactly."

"Slytherin."


End file.
